Tuesday 12/21/2010 (7:30 am)
Last night in part 1 of How do you heal a broken heart? I said I wasn’t going to answer my own question but I awoke early this morning & now feel the need to expound.
A broken heart – I’m not referring to those ‘friendships’ that come to an end because the expiration date is past, you had great times, you’ve learned the necessary lesson, “outgrown” one another and now it’s time to move on. I’m not even referring to those times when you’ve been in a relationship and you broke up over some nonsense, usually due to stupidity or some level or degree of immaturity on one or both persons’ part. Those are growing pains so to speak at least in my book.
For me, again thankfully, these have been few…I was a late bloomer in junior high and high school, painfully timid and shy as a teen and always with my head in a book. Even in college I was this shy, young woman. I have no regrets because in looking back, all things have worked out for my good & I wouldn’t change the script of what has been my life.
I am referring to relationships where there has been a level of commitment and trust given to someone else because you are in love. You’ve made a vow, a deliberate investment into a relationship that you just know will last forever. You are in it till death do you part, in whatever type of weather: sunshine or rain, hurricanes or blizzards.
You dream dreams of one day sitting on the porch, kids have grown up and living decent honest lives; you are sitting in a swing on the porch sharing a cool glass of your favorite cool drink; or you are laying on the floor before the fireplace; or, you may be taking another road trip in your old jalopy or RV.
But then one day you wake up & accept the fact that you have been living a nightmare in the midst of those dreams: your life has changed either due to something unexpected like a pregnancy and the man has walked away. Or, the relationship has been destroyed by lies and deception, infidelity or drugs and alcohol; worse yet, you are an inch short of losing your life due to domestic abuse at the hands of someone you loved and trusted. Even when you leave the relationship, you’ve been stalked by this person who once l o v e d you.
And what if there are children? What about the children? How do you explain to them; do you give up, whither up and die? Is there any life left in you to hope, to believe, to trust, to love again? Can you truly laugh again with no holds barred?
Perhaps you’ve gotten over one heartbreak and have moved on. Then LIFE deals you another blow and the family goes through a tragedy like none you ever imagined- death or rape of a child and your spouse/partner just gets up and walks away without saying a word, no explanation. How do you go on, can you go on?
How do you heal a broken heart? How do you mend it? Do you call on your girls or your boys, your buddies, your “ace boon coon”? Can you call them at any hour of the day or night? Sure, when your car gives out at 3 in the morning your few real friends will be there in the freezing cold or rain and will come and push you and your broken down hoopty home.
But when it comes to matters of the heart, a heart that’s broken, that’s been ripped out without warning and you feel like crawling under the covers and never come out again….what do you do?
Ahhhh… (sigh)…
For me, I’ve learned, I’ve experienced that a broken heart, a wounded spirit cannot be healed, not outwardly, and not by human hands. I’m not espousing one brand of religion over another, not like a brand of detergent that will clean your dirty clothes, which you then hang them out on the line to dry, and put them back on again.
For me, the healing began internally.
Sidebar w/dash of humor: Admittedly, I have had few relationships in my lifetime and I make no excuses for it. This is what works for me, one man at a time. And when I experience a breakup, I’ve never been the type of woman who jumps from pillow to post in efforts of shutting out the pain and hurt. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I say to myself that I wish I could just jump into relationships like I see and hear of many people doing, male and female. But I simply ain’t wired like that; I can’t become intimate with someone I meet, get it on in a one-night stand or booty call and be okay with it. I just ain’t wired like that and never will be. And I like it like that.
Sure, I involve myself in various projects, travelling to places near & far, while I patiently wait for MR. RIGHT. I haven’t quite learned how to make myself available on the dating scene. And because I choose to date only men of my race, the choices are few and far in between here in the dirty south. Here’s a thought – I need to move back to NY because there are so many different places to meet eligible black men who are not into these stupid games, a man who is serious, has a job, (don’t care if he’s blue or white collar), enjoys jazz club, poetry, a play every now & then, a movie (bootleg or at the cinema…lol), or simply staying indoors, reading a good book…. Age is not an issue; hey, my first husband was younger than I and my kids still get a kick out of that little known fact! No, there are no prospects at this time that I know of, but definitely not someone still wet behind his ears and less than 45 years old, I’m just saying.
I’ve even tried the internet, online dating. Yes, I admit it without shame or guilt. I’ve tried eHarmony, Chemistry.com, Black Planet, Black People Meet and something else that I don’t remember the name of…but I have a girlfriend who laughs at me because I don’t have the patience to last past a day or two before I cancel my membership. For me, all of these sites have been a waste of time and sometimes good money because of all the stupid childish games which I simply don’t have the time for. In observing my friends who swear by these sites, it’s one rollercoaster ride after another with many, many people and DRAMA. I’ve had my personal share of real-life drama and simply cannot tolerate the games and the drama.
Pardon the digression…as you can see, for me it’s got to be simple, maybe the old fashion way. Please don’t say church…been there done that. Too many games there as well with DL on the rise or not many single men.
Back to the topic at hand: How do you heal a broken heart? For me, the healing began internally.
The one constant thread, the constant PRESENCE, solace, whose arms I can always run into when my life has been torn and tattered, when promises are in shards, broken and scattered on the floor in a million pieces, the One who I can call at any hour after I’ve fouled up has been the Almighty, the Creator of heaven and earth!
The healing began inwardly, isolating myself in HIS presence, insulating myself with worship, crying till there were no more tears left. Then HE taught me to laugh again, to hope and take a chance on love again…the power of a SMILE…my own smile. “Tracy, smile even when your heart is aching”. Each time I smiled, I literally felt HIM sewing up the stitches of my broken heart, sometimes there were tugs (some gentle and others not so gentle) as HE worked out the entangled pieces.
In ’90 and ’91, Larnell Harris’ song I Can Begin Again was my daily song. And again in 2000, and again in 2002.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6p_UPlfM71k
In the midst of all my struggles, HE taught me to keep on SMILING while I continued to hope and believe and trust that I can live again. HE taught me that I had strength that I was not even aware of, that I was not built to break, that I am resilient and can roll or lean with it, come hell or high water.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6w9hro6B1tQ
The Lord has also taught me to raise my hands in total surrender to Him and His way. So, when you see me raise my hands in joy and jubilation, it has nothing to do with my sexiness (yes, I said it) but everything to do with the liberty I have in Christ! He who the Son sets free is truly free indeed. This has been MY experience.
Externally, the healing occurred as well. God placed in my life family members who have been there for me. My CHILDREN are resilient as we found our way out of the dark! Whoo hoo, we learned to laugh together as we told each other corny jokes and found we come from strong ancestors. Their blood flows strong through our veins.
Besides my children, other family members were there for me in their own unique ways – so grateful for their awesome love and support – from two perfect but imperfect parents, to my perfect but imperfect siblings; as well as uncles, aunts and cousins.
Finally, FRIENDS – they already know who they are. But there have been 3 in particular who I must mention by name, who have been there for me for 30+ years:
Allison who is my 1st BFF from college who was always there with a kind word or a swift kick in the butt when needed; besides she lives on the west coast so our many hours of talk have been during what most would consider “ungodly”.
KB my 2nd best friend from college who, regardless of where I am in the world, he comes to see me in person! K holds a special place in my heart as well as his family.
The 3rd person is, my “brother” Gary who has literally cried tears with me as I experienced one heartbreak after another. He also has this fantastic gift of laughter which is its own brand of healing.
These three will always hold a special place in my heart and when I finally meet whomever may be the potential MR. RIGHT, I will seek these three out, they will be the first to know!
I will keep the light on!
To God Be the Glory! Reflecting His greatness!